When Ninja's Attack

From Dwight Schrute's Schrute-Space by Dwight K. Schrute

Every year, when spring comes, my mind goes to one place and one place only, Ninjas.

Every time you read about Ninja’s attacking somebody or assassinating some public figure, it seems to happen in the spring. I’m not sure why, it’s just the way it is.

Maybe it’s the fact that the spring is traditionally the new year in most pagan religions. It is also the Persian festival, “Naw Ruz” or “New Year”.

Whether it is a throwing star to the neck at a bowling alley, a poison spike that sails through an open window and lodges itself in the fleshy part of the leg, or a mysterious black-clad figure with a bo staff, perched up on the ceiling of your garage as you pull in your car from your awesome job, ninja attacks can and will happen anywhere and anytime.

And they happen to the best people too. Just ask my cousin Heindl. She has lost 12% hearing in her left ear from one.

Things to remember:

Be alert. Everybody loves a lert. (Ziggy joke)

Check ceilings first, when doing your safety inspections, that’s where they like to ‘hang’.

The best defense against a ‘shuriken’ or throwing star is a good offense. Also, armor.

You will never beat a ninja at a sword fight, one on one. When the Ninja draws his sword, fire your taser ™. A well placed taser ™ will take out even the most deadly of ninjas.

Show them that you know they’re there. Shout out, when entering a new locale or a suspicious locale, “I know you’re there, Mr. Ninja. Your element of surprise has now been taken away” [I’ve gotten many ‘funny’ looks for this kind of preparedness, but so be it. That is a risk I’m willing to take. Are YOU!?]

But most importantly, remember that a Ninja is only trying to kill you if someone has hired that ninja to do so. So for every ass-kicking Ninja trying to take someone out there is some alienated girlfriend, some enemy rival at the workplace or some Japanese feudal lord who has paid that Ninja to kill. Or worse.

I hope this web log has made your spring a more beautiful and restful time. That was the author’s intent. Also, fear.

Dwight Kurt Schrute, Assistant Regional manager, Dunder-Mifflin Paper
Chairman and Founder, Lackawanna County Ninja Preparedness Council