13 Controversial Provisions In The Congressional Economic Stimulus Package

1. The federal food-stamp program will be expanded to include toiletries, paper goods, and limited-edition collectible sports memorabilia.
2. Military death benefits will now be paid in Old Navy gift cards.
3. Buy any new-release DVD for half-price with purchase of Saw IV.
4. Americans on their way to jail may now pass “GO” and collect $200.
5. New nickels will feature Pokemon characters, simultaneously encouraging consumers to trade and to save.
6. Federal Reserve announces new Harry Potter book.
7. Camel Cash will now be legal tender for all debts, public and private.
8. For a limited time, your bank will honor squashed novelty pennies at three cents.
9. Taxpayers may go “double or nothing” with the IRS in a best-of-three bout of Rock-Paper-Scissors.
10. Ask Canada how much they'd give us for Hawaii.
11. Vacant wing at Guantanamo will be converted into a luxury weight-loss resort where government contractors will reduce your BMI in ways the UN Human Rights Council never anticipated.
12. Your picture with Ben Bernanke: $15.
13. No shirt, no shoes, no taxes.

Stolen from Woot of all places